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♪ Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

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♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

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♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

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♪ Gory stories, we do that

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♪ And your host, a talking rat

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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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♪ Welcome to...

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♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

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Horrible Histories presents...

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These are the Galapagos Islands,

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home to an extraordinary
array of wildlife.

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I'm Charles Darwin,
naturalist, biologist

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and Victorian national treasure.

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And these longhorn beetles
have lived here undisturbed

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for millions of years.

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Until now.

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SHOCKED GASPS FROM OFF-SCREEN

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Did he just eat that beetle?!

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Delicious, and not as
chewy as you would expect.

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Cut! What's he doing?

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Was there a problem with the light?

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Charles Darwin really did
eat the animals he studied.

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I'll eat anything except cheetahs.

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I don't like fast food.
SNARE DRUM PLAYS, AUDIENCE GROANS

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But we're not here to
talk about eating animals.

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We're here to celebrate them.

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Welcome to the...

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..or the BAHs,
as everyone calls them.

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SHEEP BAAS

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Yeah, no heckling, please.

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Our first award tonight
is Best Pet,

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and the first nominee is dogs.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Yeah, yeah, it's man's best friend.

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Best friend?

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I mean, hello!
I'm standing right here.

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Anyway, dogs haven't always
been man's best friend.

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They started
out as their worst enemy.

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DISTANT WOLF HOWLS

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What's for dinner? Mammoth!
Again?

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I don't know what to tell you,
they're really big.

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We'll be eating
that one for weeks.

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It'd just be nice to have a light
snack a bit more often...

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LOUD GROWLING
Ah! Ah!

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Wolf!

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Don't move, or he'll eat us.

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WOLF SNIFFS

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WOLF GROWLS

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What do we do? Scare it away.
You scare it away!

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What you doing?
Throwing a big stick at it.

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WOLF SNARLS

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You are literally
the worst shot ever!

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At least it's gone!

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WOLF GROWLS
Oh, no.

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Ah, it's back! What do we do?

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Ew, it's covered in drool.

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Oh, that was rank.

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Oh, it's back again.

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WOLF WHINES

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I think this wolf is trying to
play some sort of game.

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WOLF BARKS

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Hmm.

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Oh, careful.
The game might be Eat The Human.

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THUMP BIRD SQUAWKS

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RUSTLING

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Oh, no, don't pretend
you were aiming for the bird.

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Oh, thank you.

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I think we should keep it. It's
better at hunting than you are.

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FARTING SPLATTERING

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I'm going to get this in the pot.

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You need to clean up that mess.
What mess...? Ugh!

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No, no, no, I'm not touching that.

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WOLF BARKS AND GROWLS

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Oh... No, yeah, yeah, I'll...
I'll clean it up.

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There's a good boy. All right.

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Humankind's favourite furry friend

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started out as a wild
and dangerous beast.

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Sure, they chased bones,

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but they were the bones
people were still using.

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Over time, these wild animals became
the pet dogs that we all love.

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We Romans had pet dogs.

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We liked all sorts of pets,

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but the favourite pet of the
poshest Romans might just shock you.

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At last, an album celebrating

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wealthy Romans'
number one pet - eels!

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Serenade your eels at feeding time

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with these timeless classics.

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♪ Baby, I just want to
dance with my sleepy little

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♪ Roman eel

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♪ My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

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♪ Roman eel... ♪

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Show your treasured pets
your true EELINGS,

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with hits like this...

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♪ But I need to tell you something

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♪ I eely, eely, eely

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♪ Eely, eely, eely like you

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♪ Do you like me?
Do you like me?

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♪ Do you like me too? ♪

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Ow!

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With special guest Lucius Crassus...

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♪ I eel lo-o-ove... ♪

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..who loves his eels so much,
he dresses them up in jewellery!

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♪ Lo-o-o-ove. ♪

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♪ Don't be afraid to catch eels. ♪

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Give your pet that special eeling

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with Eel Love,

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av-eel-able now!

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Ah! Is there anyone else,
Sir Nicholas?

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Just one, Your Majesty.
Sir John Peyton.

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DEEP GROWLING

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Sit! Nice lion!

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DEEP SNARLING

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An unusual entrance, Sir Nicholas.

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Sir John looks after the animals

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in your menagerie, Your Majesty.

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Ah.

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Yes, I do, Your Majesty,
and I was wondering if... Oh!

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DEEP GROWLING

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I told you not to make a fool
of me in front of the Queen!

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Apologies, Your Majesty.

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I was wondering if we could discuss

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the moving of your wild
animals from the Tower.

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Certainly not.

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Many of those beasts are
gifts from kings and queens.

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They are a symbol of my power.

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It is not simply a zoo.

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I understand,
it's just the problem is... Whoa!

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Oh, stop licking me, Elizabeth!
You're tickling.

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Good girl.

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Your Majesty...yeah, sorry,

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Elizabeth can be a
little bit slobbery.

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Hand the rope to our guard
so we may finish our conversation.

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Yeah... Thank you.

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Well, if she's named after me,
I'm sure she's a very nice lion!

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LION GROWLS

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Oh!

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Yes, Your Majesty,
your royal menagerie

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has outgrown the Tower.

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Naughty, naughty lion!

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The castle wasn't built to
house wild animals, you see,

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and at present we have, well,

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wolves, jackals...
HOWLING AND BARKING

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..hyenas, and bears, of course...
CACKLING AND GROWLING

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..leopards...
GROWLING AND SNARLING

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..we used to have some nice dogs,

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but, well, leopards...

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And I think that's all.

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LOUD, DEEP GROWLING

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And six lions.

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GUARD SCREAMS

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She'll get bored eventually!

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Sir Peyton, there has been
a menagerie at the Tower

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since the reign of King John.

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I will not be the first
monarch in 400 years

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not to have a menagerie here!

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If you need help,
the guard can give you a hand.

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LION ROARS

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Oh, see?

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There, he's helping you already.

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Good day to you.
I am George Washington.

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I led the American army to
secure independence from Britain,

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and in peacetime, I served
as the first-ever president.

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Do you know what
I really loved doing?

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Playing with my dogs.

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Oh, my gosh...

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I love dogs, they are
literally the best.

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And I love giving
them hilarious names.

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Can you guess which of
these were not real names

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of my pet pooches?

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Was it...?

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And the answer is C.

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I never called my dogs
Licker, Cruncher or Muncher,

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but I used all the other names.

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I also own dogs called
Venus and Vulcan,

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named after ancient gods.

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Vulcan once stole a huge
cooked ham from the kitchen

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that was meant to feed
a whole dinner party.

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He ate the whole thing.

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Naughty Vulcan.
My wife was so grumpy,

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but I found it hilarious.

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Dog bless America.

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The Galapagos Islands,

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home to a breathtaking range
of living organisms...

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Ahem! >

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..none of which I am going to eat.

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Just look at this delicious...

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..well, not delicious, beautiful.

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Come on, Charlie, you can do this.

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This iguana is part of
a varied buffet of nature,

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that stretches out as far
as the eye can eat...see!

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This dessert land...desert landscape

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supports a vast menu of
magnificent wildlife,

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each one yummier than the last.

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Oh, my word! A baby giraffe!

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Where? Where?

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CRUNCHING

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Oh, not again! Oh, Charles!

201
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:04,040
Oh, look, the iguana ran away.

202
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,280
How many iguanas have we got left?
Um...

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00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,760
Three and a half!

204
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,360
Tastes just like mountain lion.

205
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,320
And the winner of
the Best Pet Award is...

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..the Roman eels!

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00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,600
APPLAUSE

208
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:21,760
GROWLING

209
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,760
Yeah, all right. Settle down, Simba.
Nobody likes a bad loser.

210
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SNARLING

211
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,760
Er, moving swiftly on.

212
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,880
Whilst some animals are pets,

213
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,840
others have been used in battle
during times of war.

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00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,960
And so it gives me great fear,

215
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,560
I mean, great pleasure

216
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,680
to present the
Best Animal For War Award,

217
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,360
and here's the first nominee.

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Tomorrow we fight Alexander,

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00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,600
the greatest general
that ever lived.

220
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On the eve of a crucial battle
with Alexander the Great,

221
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,640
King Porus is hoping to use animals
to get the upper hand

222
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,480
in a surprise attack.

223
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,360
So he's invited Sophie and Sebastian
to come up with some ideas

224
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,320
about which animals to use.

225
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,600
It is hot out there!

226
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,920
I am sweating through
my free-range chiton.

227
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,920
OK, so, look. We're just going
to throw some ideas out there

228
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,120
and see what sticks. First up...

229
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,000
..elephants. I know, right?

230
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,720
Crazy, right? But bear with.

231
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,640
Who wants to fight
against elephants?

232
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,240
The enemy horses will freak.

233
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,000
Neigh-neigh!

234
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,840
We already have elephants.

235
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,240
Genuinely?

236
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,120
R-E-S-P-E-C-T to that, man.

237
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,680
Find out what it means to me?

238
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:29,960
♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T

239
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,040
♪ Take care, TBC


240
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,040
♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me...
I love music!

241
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,760
♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me...
No.

242
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,800
OK, well, this next idea
is like a slam dunk.

243
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,960
Love baseball.

244
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,600
Sea-horse chariots.
OK, this is actual size.

245
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,520
Meeting adjourned, job done.
Let's play board games. Old school.

246
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,880
Wouldn't the Greeks
just tread on them?

247
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,240
Fair enough. I'll tell you
what they won't tread on.

248
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,360
Cat-alvary.

249
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,520
Boas and arrows.

250
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,120
Yeah, this isn't working, is it?

251
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,840
You know, I've been thinking...
What?!

252
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,760
Why don't we just attach
swords and poison

253
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,320
to the end of the elephant tusks?
Why, though?

254
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,000
It's, like, an elephant tusk.
Like, who cares if it's got poison

255
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,320
or pancakes on the tip?
You're still kebabed.

256
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,320
No, no, no. I like it.

257
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,840
We will attach swords and
poison to our war elephants.

258
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,680
Job done! Now let us celebrate
by playing board games.

259
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,200
You have board games too?

260
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,640
Just because we're ancient
doesn't mean we're not hip.

261
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,360
You feel me?

262
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,760
Totally. Brother.

263
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,040
Welcome to HH TV News,
where a bitter war has broken out

264
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,720
in Australia in 1932.

265
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,160
We go now to our war reporter,
Katie Woe,

266
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,080
who is on the front line.

267
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,880
I've just arrived,
and the atmosphere is tense.

268
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:45,080
Countless lives are at stake,
as the Australian Army

269
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,480
faces a bitter conflict
with a ruthless enemy.

270
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,400
OK, they're not ruthless. Just...

271
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,360
A whole nation is holding its breath

272
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,680
as this terrible conflict
continues to escalate.

273
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,880
So, tell me, who are the enemy?

274
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,360
Emus.

275
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,800
That's right, the Australian Army
face the mighty...

276
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,640
Sorry, it sounded
like you said emus.

277
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,680
Yup.

278
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,280
What? The...

279
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,240
The big, shaggy birds
that look like ostriches?

280
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,680
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

281
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,760
Right, so, er...you have
guns and vehicles,

282
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,080
and they have, what? Wings?

283
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,320
Wings, yes, and weird,
orange, buggy sort of eyes.

284
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,560
It's like being stared
at by a satsuma.

285
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,760
They are destroying valuable crops,

286
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,480
and the government
had to call us in. Right.

287
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,520
I guess, though, it would be
a real feather in your cap

288
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,040
if you won, though, right?
It's not funny!

289
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,840
Sorry, I didn't mean
to ruffle your feathers.

290
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,760
OK, laugh all you want,
we have got them beaten.

291
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,440
We've attached a machine gun
to one of the Army trucks,

292
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,440
and their days are numbered.

293
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:50,920
Sir!

294
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,680
The emus are outrunning the truck!

295
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,040
Oh, COME ON!

296
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,760
They're only emus!
How are we losing this?

297
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,160
It doesn't make any sense!

298
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,520
It's not just emus, sir,
they've got allies.

299
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,080
They've got allies? Oh, OK!

300
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,320
Right. So who are they?

301
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,200
What, outlaws, mercenaries,
animal lovers?

302
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,360
Bunnies, sir!

303
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,720
They've got cute little
bunny rabbits everywhere.

304
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,800
Ah! They're everywhere!

305
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,240
Ah!

306
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,960
You've got to be KIDDING me.

307
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,400
Let's just hope that the koalas
and kangaroos stay neutral.

308
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,720
This is Katie Woe in Australia,

309
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,760
winging it. I... Stop that...

310
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,280
You've done the winging one before.
OK. That's old material.

311
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,720
Well, let's BEAK careful, OK?

312
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,400
That's... Good.

313
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,200
So animals have been used
as weapons in times of war,

314
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,320
and they've also been the enemy.

315
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,280
But did you know that
one type of animal

316
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,120
was very nearly the
cause of a nuclear war?

317
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,640
I know it sounds fishy,
but there's a good reason for that.

318
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,520
STEADY BEEPING

319
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,280
Forward ahead. Six knots.
Aye, aye, Captain.

320
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,480
FAST BEEPING
Captain, picking up something huge

321
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,000
on the sonar. Multiple signals.

322
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,960
Must be the Russians.
They're closing in fast.

323
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,400
Battle stations!
LOUD KLAXON

324
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,880
Confirm that signal.

325
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,680
And call Nato command.
Patching you through now, sir.

326
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,480
Nato command, this is a code 576.

327
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,240
We have a Russian attack
in progress on a massive scale.

328
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,760
LOUD FARTING

329
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,080
It wasn't me.

330
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,760
This is an act of war!

331
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,360
FARTING CONTINUES

332
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,480
Are the Russians...farting?

333
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,000
FARTING CONTINUES

334
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,040
Oh, no, it's not an attack, it's...

335
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,720
Suggest launching global missile
strikes against Russia!

336
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,640
Captain, there's something
I need to tell you.

337
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,440
Be quiet, I've got Nato command on
the phone here, this is important.

338
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,880
No, no, this is not an attack
signal, it... Silence!

339
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,480
Yes, I'm sure.

340
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,240
Yeah, millions may die, but...

341
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,800
Hang on... What?

342
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,360
FARTING

343
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,600
Lieutenant, I know
this is frightening,

344
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,600
but, please, control your bowels.

345
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,920
It's not a Russian attack, sir!

346
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,520
It's fish farting!

347
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,120
Fish farting?

348
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,520
Farting fish.

349
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,160
You're right.

350
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,480
Baltic dwarf herring,
if I'm not mistaken.

351
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,840
That's why he's the captain.

352
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,480
Seems to be a false alarm.

353
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,480
It was fish...

354
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,040
..farting.

355
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,600
Well, there's no need to shout.

356
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,480
Hello?

357
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,160
OK. Downer.

358
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,400
We've just heard that
King Porus has elephants,

359
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,640
and he's planning to tip their tusks
with, like, swords and poison.

360
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,040
I mean, how do they
come up with this stuff?

361
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,080
Worried about his enemy's
battle plan,

362
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,680
Alexander the Great has
called in some ideas people

363
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,520
that just happened to be
in the neighbourhood.

364
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,200
Yah, um, we'd rather not say
why we are in the neighbourhood.

365
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,880
King Porus says hi.

366
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:51,200
First up, elephants are
terrified of pigs and fire.

367
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,680
So... Two words.

368
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,200
Fire pigs.

369
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,800
Well, I say we go with that.
Oink.

370
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,360
Really? Yeah.

371
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,040
Back of the net!

372
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,080
I'll get the chess.

373
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,640
Oink!

374
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,280
No, no, no. I've just had lunch.
I'm not even hungry.

375
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,960
Couldn't eat it if I wanted to.

376
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,600
Which I...I don't.

377
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,800
The Galapagos Islands.

378
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,520
Home to this giant tortoise.

379
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,600
Now, as you can see,

380
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,440
he's a shy fellow.

381
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,800
He doesn't want to come out today,

382
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,560
and who can blame him?

383
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,120
For this magnificent species

384
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,240
is under threat from a new predator.

385
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:38,880
Humans.

386
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:43,520
For many people, this
animal is a delicacy.

387
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,200
But not me.

388
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,320
Oh, Charles! Really?

389
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,120
Well, if they don't
want to get eaten,

390
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,000
they should learn
to walk a bit quicker.

391
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,360
Tummy teases.

392
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,320
And the Best Animal For War
Award goes to...

393
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,920
..the Baltic dwarf herring!

394
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,320
I mean, anyone who nearly
starts a nuclear apocalypse

395
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,280
with an air torpedo
deserves a trophy in my book!

396
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,720
HE FARTS

397
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,960
Cor! I bet they picked
that one up on sonar.

398
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,400
But now, as we open a few windows,

399
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,360
it's time to honour those animals

400
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,560
who've been woefully
misrepresented in history.

401
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,600
And this year's Special Award
goes to the medieval artists

402
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,040
who didn't let the fact that
they'd never seen an animal

403
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,920
stop them from painting it.

404
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,040
It's fair to say
the results were mixed.

405
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,760
It'd be even fairer to say
they're rubbish.

406
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,400
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to this auction

407
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,480
of historical animal art.

408
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,200
Our first item is this
medieval picture of a crocodile,

409
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,760
drawn in the early 13th century.

410
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:56,880
Er, Miles, I believe that's a
picture of a monkey lion squirrel.

411
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,760
Can we get the right one, please?
Ahem, this, um...

412
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,320
This actually is the one.

413
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,000
Apparently, the artist
had never seen a crocodile.

414
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,600
OK, why did he draw it, then?

415
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,680
I don't know.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

416
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:11,560
Well, what am I bid for
this majestic monk-quir-dile?

417
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,520
Bids start at £35...

418
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,200
Next up, we have this
medieval picture

419
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,640
of a... I want to say...

420
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,680
..a deer attacking a man.

421
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,400
Ahem. It's actually, um, it's...

422
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,120
It's a crocodile again.

423
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,680
Oh, OK...

424
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,320
It's going to be a long day.

425
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,640
Giant blue fish demon.

426
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,320
Dolphin. Really?

427
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,160
An...eagle?

428
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,440
Er, a...a falcon!

429
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,480
Two pointy owls!

430
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,720
One... No, I'm going
with two pointy owls.

431
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,360
Ostrich. How is that an ostrich?

432
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,560
I don't know, I panicked.

433
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,360
Er, an armoured sparrow. Cold.

434
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,840
Fish bird. Cold.

435
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,240
Battle badger! Warmer.

436
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,520
It's a turtle.

437
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:55,800
Obviously a turtle.

438
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,720
No! Yeah, forget it.

439
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:05,200
A giant, brown water-ball-bird.

440
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,760
I have no idea!

441
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,400
Yeah, I don't know that one, either.

442
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,960
Who will open the bids at...?

443
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,840
I mean, I don't care at this point.

444
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,320
And so to the award
we've all been waiting for.

445
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,480
The most useful thing
we get from animals.

446
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,720
Or, as it's known for short,
the Tmutwgfa.

447
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,440
And the first nominee.

448
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,360
Without cow's milk, the
whole development of humankind

449
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,320
might have been very different.

450
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,040
There was a time,
thousands of years ago,

451
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,920
when drinking cow's milk
made everybody ill.

452
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,080
Luckily, for some people,
that didn't last.

453
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,200
Honestly, though, I don't know
what all the fuss is about.

454
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,960
Rat's milk is just as nice,

455
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:49,360
although you do need about 500 rats
for a bowl of cereal, yeah.

456
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,520
And it can be a little bit sharp.

457
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,920
Are you filming? Yeah. OK.

458
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,800
Yo, what up, what up, Spewtube!

459
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,000
I'm Star! I'm Moon!

460
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,560
I'm River!

461
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,040
And today we're going to be
doing the...

462
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,520
Oh! Ew! It's going to be disgusting!

463
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,680
♪ Cow's milk, cow's milk! ♪

464
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,560
He's going to drink a bowl.
Of cow's milk!

465
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,440
Yeah, now, I really
don't want to do this,

466
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,080
cos this stuff plays havoc
with our digestive systems.

467
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,680
There is not a human being alive
who can drink cow's milk

468
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,920
without puking, pooing and parping.

469
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,760
Oh, I'm going to spew everywhere.

470
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,240
Yeah, I know, right?

471
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,280
Let's get ready for Chundergeddon!

472
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,640
OK, River, you're up.

473
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,560
Go. Oh, no, I don't want to do it.
No, no, no. I don't want to do it.

474
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,840
Go! Drink up! I don't want to
do it, I don't want to do it.

475
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,200
I'm going to do it,
I'm going to do it! Oh, ooh! Ah!

476
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,320
HE PUKES

477
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,480
Oh!

478
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,480
Oh, I don't even think
I've got it all out.

479
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:45,840
FARTING

480
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,320
Oh, that's going to
go right through me.

481
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,720
♪ It's coming out of both ends
Ooh, ooh! ♪

482
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,040
Oh...no, I can do it.
Go on, go on, go on.

483
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,480
Oh! Oh! Are you doing it?
You doing it?

484
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960
It's actually quite nice.

485
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,280
Really?

486
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,120
Tastes quite creamy and refreshing.

487
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,800
Let me try it, let me try it, OK.

488
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,200
Go on, do it, do it. Do it! Oh! Oh!

489
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,720
SHE PUKES

490
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,760
Oh, gross!

491
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,280
What did I miss, mate?
Wait, no, no, don't do that...!

492
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,800
You know what would
go well with this? Rice. Huh?

493
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,320
Puffed rice.

494
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,360
Dad, what are you doing? Hey!

495
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:26,560
It's my daughter, Summer!

496
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,960
Summer, Daddy's drinking
some cow's milk.

497
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,320
I'll try some.

498
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,360
No, no, no. No, wait!

499
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,360
Yeah, yeah?

500
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,040
That's quite tasty. Yeah.

501
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,920
That would be good with some puffed
rice. That's exactly what I said!

502
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,680
It's like some families
can drink cow's milk

503
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,200
and like some families can't.
Yeah, yeah.

504
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,720
Do you realise what this means?
What?

505
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,200
Cows just became, like,
really useful.

506
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,160
So what we've learned here today
is that me and Summer are awesome.

507
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,560
If you agree, then give
us a thumbs up, like,

508
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,960
and subscribe to our channel...

509
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:02,960
And tune in for our next video...

510
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,440
Oh, cheers!

511
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,600
That's good, good.

512
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,880
Oh, boo-boo, look!

513
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,040
It's perfect! This is the one.

514
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,600
It is beautiful, isn't it,
sugarplum?

515
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,840
Almost as glorious as you. Oh...

516
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,560
Congratulations, sir!

517
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,520
Or should I say commiserations?

518
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:34,200
I'm afraid your beautiful companion
has excellent but expensive taste.

519
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,280
Here, have a complimentary
drink while you browse.

520
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,640
Thank you.

521
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:44,480
Mm, this exquisite stunning
sterling silver band

522
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:49,480
is set with a highly polished,
dome-shaped coprolite.

523
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,000
Oh, boo-boo, sounds so fancy!

524
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,360
Well, only the best
for my delicate flower.

525
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,760
Allow me.

526
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,600
It's almost as beautiful as you.

527
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,000
Mwa! Oh...

528
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,600
Coprolite sounds very exotic.
What is it, a type of diamond?

529
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,440
Oh, close, it's dinosaur poo.

530
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,560
Sorry, did you just say...?

531
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,520
Dinosaur poo, madam.

532
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,000
Faeces, dung, pooh-pooh,
doodoo, if you will.

533
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,720
Fossilised prehistoric droppings,

534
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,200
cut to shape and highly polished.
All the rage.

535
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,560
And how much is it?

536
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,240
£30 and nine shillings.

537
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,000
And six pence.

538
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,080
This coprolite is
expensive business.

539
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,120
That's certainly one
way of putting it, sir.

540
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,560
I mean, you've literally
polished a turd.

541
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,760
Is there anything...?

542
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,440
Cheaper? Well... Sir, yes.

543
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,520
But I should tell you, it is the
age that gives it its value.

544
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,840
Our cheaper coprolite range

545
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,320
is naturally more recent,
fresher...

546
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,560
FLIES BUZZ

547
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:51,880
..if you catch my drift.

548
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,520
Oh, boo-boo, they're so now!

549
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,080
I love you.

550
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,720
And I love poo.
I mean you. I love you.

551
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,440
Kissy, kissy? Oh...

552
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,080
Um... Kissy, kissy.

553
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,760
Maybe I'll just blow on it.

554
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,160
Oh, look, the bus!

555
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,360
OK, so cow's milk helped develop

556
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:16,320
some of the world's
greatest civilisations,

557
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:20,320
but a ring made of polished poo?
It's a no-brainer!

558
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:24,840
Yes, dinosaur poo wins the award
for the most useful thing

559
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,800
we get from animals.

560
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,120
I'm afraid the dinosaurs

561
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,640
couldn't be here tonight
to pick up their award,

562
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,600
so I've been asked to
collect it for them.

563
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,840
I just wish I'd known,
I would've prepared a speech.

564
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,440
Ahem.

565
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,160
Thank you all for
this prestigious award,

566
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,080
and although I am the winner,

567
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,520
and by implication,
the best animal ever,

568
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,880
in a way, this award
is for every animal,

569
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,160
because throughout history,
animals have helped,

570
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:58,160
provided for and even
fought alongside humankind.

571
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:02,280
And frankly, I...I don't know
what they'd've done without us.

572
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,800
I just hope that they're...

573
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,840
I hope that they are grateful,

574
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,680
and I said I wouldn't cry...

575
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,080
HE SOBS

576
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,880
HE BLOWS HIS NOSE

577
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,040
OK, hey, animals?

578
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,520
♪ It's thanks to you
we ended up here

579
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,320
♪ The wolf joined our pack
and things started to change

580
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,840
♪ Fur for warmth, meat to eat
Family safe

581
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:28,640
♪ So helpful! How did we
cope before this exchange?

582
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,840
♪ Homes were built and crops matured

583
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,800
♪ We kept warm and cooked food

584
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,600
♪ Thanks to manure!

585
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,760
♪ Milk and cheese
Yoghurt, too

586
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,160
♪ Leather shoes!

587
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,760
♪ So thank you for
that wonderful poo

588
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:46,560
♪ What can we say except
we're so grateful

589
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,040
♪ For the poo and
the food and the fur?

590
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,360
♪ What can we say except
we're so thankful

591
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:56,640
♪ For the woofs, moos,
neighs and the purrs?

592
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,200
♪ Who protects us?

593
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,240
♪ Keeps mice off the rye?

594
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,720
♪ Dogs and cats prowling by

595
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,640
♪ Yeah, those guys

596
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,600
♪ When we need warmth and love

597
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,440
♪ A friend who'll always be there

598
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,960
♪ That's what my cat does... ♪

599
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,320
Meow! Ouch!

600
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,440
♪ Also, you make a house a home

601
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,920
♪ We're grateful

602
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,280
♪ I make a spoon out of your bone

603
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,360
♪ Pigs and sheep, hens and goats

604
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,760
♪ Joined the crew

605
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,440
♪ We couldn't live
like this without you

606
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,320
♪ What can we say except
we're so grateful

607
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,480
♪ For how you've helped humanity?

608
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,280
♪ I hope it's OK if I say
we're thankful

609
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,680
♪ From the whale to the tiniest bee

610
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:44,880
♪ We're grateful
We're grateful

611
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,240
♪ Well, when you think of it

612
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,800
♪ It's no wonder we worship you

613
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,840
♪ Look at the wins
You've helped us humans to

614
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,200
♪ Your fur, your skin, your wool

615
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,160
♪ Stopped our bodies
from getting too cool

616
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,720
♪ We tamed the donkey, tamed the ox

617
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,720
♪ Now we can move forward
on these magical rocks

618
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,640
♪ We bred the horses
For speed and gallantry

619
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,600
♪ Now when there's war
We can call in the cavalry

620
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,680
♪ In lands where we couldn't survive
Domestication helped us to thrive

621
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,720
♪ Look where we are now
Thanks to pig, horse and cow

622
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,960
♪ You keep me alive
Let me give you five!

623
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,920
♪ What can we say
except we're so grateful

624
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:15,080
♪ For the help
and the food in my pot?

625
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,880
♪ It's even OK you gave us influenza

626
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,640
♪ Not so keen on
measles and smallpox

627
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:24,440
♪ But we're thankful

628
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,880
♪ We're thankful. ♪

629
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,560
BIRD COOS
Was that a coo?

630
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,320
Our more re... No, sorry...

631
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,480
LAUGHTER

632
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,760
One more time.

633
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:41,000
Our cheaper
coprolite range...

634
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,320
It is the aim.
Cheap...

635
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,800
LAUGHTER

636
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,000
♪ The past is no longer a mystery

637
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,440
♪ Hope you enjoyed

638
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,120
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

639
00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:56,720
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